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I am like the rain in a downpour. [16 Sep 2008|03:32pm]
Sometimes emotions, feelings, life, memories are too big for one day or one moment or one journal entry. Today is one of those days.

Going home and leaving are never easy to do. But that is no longer my home, some place on the other side of the country is. Yet, those I cherish most in my heart are still in Michigan and seeing them twice a year isn't and never will be enough. Yet I, personally, can no longer live there. My life, my wants and desires, my values and beliefs don't seem possible there; I'm not my best there. And I refuse to be anything less than what I believe to be my best.

How do you describe what it feels like to hug your father and kiss your mother goodbye for who knows how long? To wonder how many moments you have left with them in life?

How do I know if I'll ever truly grow up?

My first day of being 25 and I've never felt so small, so little, so not yet ready for such big life things.
2 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[28 Jul 2008|02:50pm]
Dammit! Mango kombucha stained my favorite pair of shorts from Paris!

In other news, it's only 2 weeks or so until Nicole comes to visit, and a little over a month until Audrey's wedding, and only 70 days until Ireland. In terms of looking forward to things, it doesn't get much better than this.

Everything would be perfect if it wasn't for that damn kombucha.
look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[17 Jul 2008|01:36pm]
So I fainted the other night. It was a bad one. Crumpled instantly to the ground, hit my head really bad, twisted my whole left leg. I'm still in pain. Not exactly sure what's going on, could be hypoglycemia, could be brain cancer. But I used to faint all the time, especially right after I became vegetarian. So I'm not doing something right. But I won't eat meat just so I won't faint. And I don't have health insurance so I can't just go get tested for a multitude of different possibilities. I also can't afford to go to a clinic right now and my leg checked out. It's scary to think that at any time I could just black out so quickly without any warning. I've already had to call off from work twice now, and I know I'm gonna be in extreme pain tonight when I have to go in, but I can't afford to not work anymore. I also can't afford to hurt myself further.
I wish it were easier for sick people to just get help in this country. The whole process is just bullshit.
4 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[15 Jul 2008|05:05pm]
[ mood | ready ]

In dreams and in love, there are no impossibilities.

look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

The End is Near! [30 Jun 2008|11:14pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

So, the big headline on the Oregonian today said:


I totally believe it too. When you think about it, right now, we're pretty fucked. I'd say, we've got a lot of work to do, Folks! We're all in this together! Step 1: Drive Less. Step 2: Support Locally owned businesses. Step 3: Stop believing all the lies. And Step 4: Elect Barack Obama. If Obama loses, well kids, then we'll be completely fucked. We can't depend on these careless and idiotic war obsessed rich white men to keep making all our decisions! I'm only one of those adjectives and only kind of because I came from Flint so that makes me, ya know, a little...anyway, the people in power are not me and they don't care about me or you or anyone you know. They care about money and staying in power and controlling all the oil and they will do nothing but make decisions based on those things. Obama won't save the world, that's up to us to do, but McCain will ruin any chance we have of turning this all around and getting the rest of humanity back on our side.

In other news, I've started working out first thing in the morning and I love it. Who knew! And, oddly enough, I have even more energy during the day. It doesn't make sense! And I'm still biking to work too! Yay for exercise! I've been feeling so good lately, just happy and really looking forward to the next few months. I haven't been this consistently happy since, well, Ireland. And I'll be back there in October. Yes. Yes. Yes. And I feel like things are only getting better for me.

But American is still fucked. Seriously.

1 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

the glaciers made you and now you're mine [25 Jun 2008|12:26am]
[ mood | beloved ]

Well, I never said I wasn't foolish, or a dreamer.
I'm definitely both.
But no matter what, I've always been ok in the end.
And this is only the beginning.

"...to call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth..."

4 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[22 Jun 2008|11:44am]
I can't really describe this feeling right now.

2 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

I'm not over you, can I get back under? [02 Jun 2008|02:14pm]
Pretty much everything is packed. Must finish my clothes and then start on the kitchen. It's like, I don't even want to start the work involved in packing and cleaning out a kitchen. Lame.

I'm starting to get really excited. I think I'm going to really like my new place, and I'll probably end up staying there for a while. I'm ready for a change, and ready to start over too.

Not everyone knew this (ie family) but I started smoking again after Vegas. I mean, come on, it's Vegas! What did we all expect? But I am now on my sixth day without. I'm using an herbal supplement that is really helping to keep me calm and collected, but it also makes me just a little nauseous and it might be making it hard for me to sleep at night. I don't know, I just haven't been falling asleep like I usually do. But that might also be a combination of a lot of stress and a lot of excitement. Anyway, I'm really hoping to kick the habit for good this time. I'm just tired of quitting. And in order to do what I really want and be who I really want, I just can't be a smoker. The biggest help is biking everywhere now. It's hard to combine those two. And I feel way cooler on my bike than I ever did with a cigarette between my fingers. That's how cool biking is. Everyone should do it! Drive less! Yay!

I'm craving physical affection much, much worse than nicotine. But I refuse to depend on others, and I'm forcing myself to embrace patience. I'm allowed to dream big, and that's what I'm doing now. And if I get what I want, I'll be one very lucky woman. Until then, I'm planning it all in my head and walking around with a constant smile on my face. And surviving without affection, which is something I've never really been able to do for long.

Braithim uaim tú...
8 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[30 May 2008|02:42pm]
I was supposed to be moving into my new studio (six blocks up the street!) June 18th. Now I'm moving Wednesday. So I'm a little stressed and rushed for time. But I must interrupt my packing right now to say one thing:

I have an absurd amount of purses. Seriously. It's ridiculous. But I refuse to give any of them up because they all represent sentimental memories. I can look at a purse and immediately remember some amazing time that I had when that particular one was on my shoulder. Seventy-five percent of them I haven't used in over a year. But I refuse. I refuse to let them go.

Is this one of the early signs of a pack rat? Is that going to be me in my old age? A house covered from floor to roof in every little belonging I have ever had in my life, because they all remind me of something and I don't know how to choose which memory is more important than another? Am I making an extremely large collection of purses more meaningful than needed? Probably, but still. Why can't I let go of things easily? Why do THINGS represent so much in my life? I should be able to live without much, yet in a little over a year and a half of starting over in Portland, Oregon, I somehow have accumulated so much stuff!

Moving is stressful. It makes you mull over your past and remember long lost things, while deciding what goes on with you to the next phase. It's only six blocks up the street, but it'll be my first real place totally and completely my own and no one else's. So I want to make sure I start it off right, and take only what I really need to complete whatever this next chapter is leading me towards.

And no matter how bold it stares at me on my inner right forearm, I'm having an extremely difficult time letting all things go.

And this is all because of the purses.

One day at a time.
1 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

I can ride my bike with no handlebars [06 May 2008|11:36pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I love my bike ride home from work. It is seriously the best feeling at the end of the night. It's mostly downhill, there is never any traffic, I cruise through lights (after looking both ways, of course!), and I listen to my ipod at a modestly low volume. It just feels so good, and relaxing, and exciting at the same time. This city is a different place at night, quiet but bright. I love seeing the buildings downtown and the West Hills peak out at the top of the higher streets. I really think this is just gonna be the best thing for me this summer. Some good exercise, and some good me time. 4 miles, 15-20 minutes. Perfect.

I'm getting excited to live these next few months. Things to look forward to for sure. Swimming at the river. Fires at the Flinttown House. Layin out in the sun. A visit from Luke! Erykah Badu and The Roots in Seattle with JP, Al, and Chad! Camping with the crew. Patio breakfasts with the crew. Patio bars with the crew. Perfect sunny day after perfect sunny day. And beautiful bike rides home on beautiful summer nights to my beautiful and expensive apartment where I have a loving and beautiful cat waiting for me at the door. But that's really only because he's hungry and he wants me to feed him right away.

Things really aren't so bad. And sometimes, without constant human contact, I find myself getting down quite easily. But I have to remember that's why I'm doing this in the first place.

So I can finally put myself first.
So I can grow up and "figure it all out."
So I can be ok with myself.

And then maybe I'll see where all of this is leading.

look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

My cause is noble, my power is pure [21 Apr 2008|03:38pm]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

Another walk home along SE 12th. Portland seems off kilter today, although I keep on a straight path. The bread factory smells like fish, the sun is shining through the rain, my hands are freezing but my body heat is rising. Fog is flowing from the pavement, there is warmth in the sun, but the air is chilled. It's a day of opposites attracting me, and the illusions very well could be reality. I am strong and powerful when I walk these streets. I am beautiful and demure. My hips move back and forth like sex, I'm seducing myself and this city; the buildings turn their bricks to watch me pass, lights change with a blink of my eyes, and the trees lustfully bend their branches to touch my skin. See, I was knocked down but I got back up without even a second thought this time, and I'm standing even taller than before. I've realized, I can ride my bike with no handlebars and I can lead the nation with a microphone, and whatever happens, I've still got it. There's a purity in my newfound ego, an innocence in my vanity. I'm on the loose in the Pacific Northwest, full of a fierce foolishness, and I know I can't be stopped.

So, Portland, Bring it on, baby.

2 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[17 Apr 2008|11:54pm]
please oh please oh please oh please
keeping my fingers crossed.
another too good to be true?

p.s. i love late night Fresh Prince episodes. they always make me laugh. also, i'm obsessed with sweet sticky rice from work. it's ridiculously good. i wish i could get it with mango but for some reason that is looked down upon. i've worked there a year and a half now. why can't i eat whatever i want?

god, carlton was such a dumbass.
look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

Serenity in Foolishness [16 Apr 2008|12:32am]
[ mood | satisfied ]

When you want something that much,
It's drawing trouble on your life
And when you found something that good
It's hard to focus on what's right

I love it so far...

look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[13 Apr 2008|02:01am]
[ mood | impatient ]

some nights i stay up real late
what's next?

it's 2am and i still don't know.
it's time for bed.

3 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[10 Apr 2008|06:00pm]
I am feeling so loved today.

Awoke to an email from my father. It is "Encourage a Young Writer Day" or something like that, and he wanted to tell me to keep working on my craft and not give up on my gift. Which is awesome, because I have been writing more lately and it feels </i>so good</i>.
Got a phone call from Katie, giggling at midnight, London time. Even though she's so far away, I still feel very close with her. And the eight hour time difference is really perfect. I wish I could visit now. I hate to say it, but I hope this year goes by fast. Because I could potentially take the vacation of a lifetime with her, and I'm looking forward to this more than anything else right now.
Talked to my little sister on the phone while trying on my bridesmaid's dress for her wedding. I nearly cried when I looked at myself in the mirror and realized this is what I would be wearing when my beautiful, talented, kindhearted LITTLE sister gets married. I can't imagine what a mess I'll be on the actual day. Geesh.
Had TWO letters in the mail when I got home from running errands. One from Emily and one from my Grandma. People underestimate the power of a letter. It is an indescribable feeling to be able to hold something someone you miss took the time to write. It feels good to know you are missed, and that someone was thinking of you.
Finally, read a beautiful reply to a piece I wrote by an even more beautiful Irishman. I think I convinced myself I was only a mediocre writer, and fell out of the habit. But I've been feeling the desire to be more creative lately and it's so nice to have someone support you and encourage you. There is a sweet intimacy in sharing something you created with another human being.

This is been one of my better days lately. And I've been having a lot of good days. It's supposed to be 73 this weekend. I can't wait for the summer.

I haven't been this positive since I was like, I don't know, 12 years old?
3 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[31 Mar 2008|11:59am]

I don't know if I'm strong enough for all of this today.
I've been doing so well.
But why do I feel so weak?
4 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

I'm letting Everything go [31 Mar 2008|12:35am]
[ mood | excited ]

Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest.
Look out.
I'm in over my head and lovin' it.

(i feel you from me)

look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[22 Mar 2008|01:37am]
A photograph of this love
Hangs on my wall
I would dare to speak its name
If I knew what it was called
3 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[15 Mar 2008|10:53am]
Bought my plane ticket home for my LITTLE sister's wedding in September. I'll be in Michigan for about two weeks, September 4th-16th (party for my birthday ya'll!). My ticket was so super cheap ($252!!!) so I'm super glad I bought it now. It'll be really nice to be able to take a trip home and just relax and not rush from person to person. I'm sure I'll come back to Portland quite refreshed, after lazying around the house with all of my most favorite people ever (except the sister that will be MARRIED!).

Last night, JP asked if I was in the wedding. I said, "Yeah, I'm a bridesmaid." Then JP proceeded to ask, "Uhh, who's um...best in show?" I think that's one of the best things JP has said in a while. Besides, "yeah, dude, I'm getting commit tomorrow." (Love and kisses JP!)

Sometimes new music feels just so good.

I've been feelin' pretty good lately myself.

Hopefully, winter is over. I'm ready for some sun.
2 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

[12 Mar 2008|02:28pm]
This last week has been a turning point in my life.
Things are changing. I'm changing.
And it's all for the better.
I'd like to say I'm already happier.
If I say it, and I feel it, then it's true.

I'm curious and excited and looking forward to my future.
Things are looking up.
2 think its a perfect night to die| look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

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